Psychotic Wannabe

"The thing is... The thing is..." "What? What is the thing?" She laughed because she caught my movie reference. She continues, "I always considered myself unloved. I wanted to say that no one have ever appreciated me. The problem is, it's mostly lie. And I've been lying to myself with that for almost my whole life. I didn't know I could do that, until someone I loved appeared in my dream (or a trance, maybe?) She chuckled when she saw me smile. And continued in parentheses, "(The point is,) he shook me by the shoulder and yelled, 'Why are you so blind?' I started to realize that I've been lying to myself. But when I realized the reasons for doing that,... "It's not because I don't need the world to love me. I'm needy in that respect. I'm just afraid of the people I love. I have a history of hurting people inadvertently. Somehow it makes me feel that I don't love them. And when I ponder over what I...

"It's like I've been leading another life, where I really get to know what I really don't know, feel what I've never felt. Or, I'm feeling for someone else. Makes no sense, right?"

It started out when I read a news article about ham radio operators with regards to their help in Nepal (God bless them) That got me thinking about ham radios. There was a campaign for the freshers on their joining day. We(me and The Dude) were looking for ways to wander around. We joined the ham radio team which already had The Hulk. Although we had no idea what ham radio means, we had no problem luring the innocent faces. (And it was not for money. So if anyone didn't get what they wanted, we are sorry but not responsible) The next time I encountered a ham radio was through a movie. A Korean one. Those who are interested to watch this movie should stop reading this. For others, it is about the ham radio that connects two people at different points of time through a ham radio. I didn't get the name this afternoon when I wanted to think about it further. I can see the scenes, the love triangle, the heartbreak. Only the name escaped me. Okay, Google. "Korean movie ...

So, at the end of a dreary session of self-loathing and regretting every past moments till then-it lasted for just under an hour. I didn't even try to pretend.- all I wanted was a whiff of fresh air and an effort to make myself feel less miserable. That was the reason why I chose to go over to the reading-room while I wait for my companion. A bunch of young kids in the second year of engineering was having a group-study session. Back in my days we go to the same to ridicule those who chose to attend them. Even if we choose to attend, it would be the result of hours of cajoling and persuading by the people who were more concerned about us than we choose to care. A bossy girl leading the session was talking about Fourier series and what-not. I used to love mathematics, but always try to scrape by the bare minimum in my for years of college. At least, I didn't flunk in maths. At one point, she was boasting about something and punctuated by exclaiming, "Just the side-ef...

It came to me when I was having an early dinner. It goes like this: My muse visited me last night. ("How did you know that was your muse?", "Two words. Proper introduction.") "What do you have that you can prove your existence?" I thought hard and long. I have a family, friends and strangers who brush against me and then forget to testify about my existence. But if I don't exist, their existence too is in doubt. (Which makes my muse non-existential on the top of imaginary, which in turn nullified the question. But then, that too doesn't matter.) I had a book in my hand, that contains the stories that have been written by me. I handed it over to her as a proof of my existence. Did she read the book? Did she found it bland? She couldn't comprehend my stories. Was I narcissistic about it? Beats me. I should have recorded my thoughts.

It was just after seven when I was just out of the office. Since it is a Friday, I was expecting crowded buses, traffic jams and long way home. There is a two minute walk towards the bus stop. I was contemplating about my food choices. Should I buy or have a shawarma from the big restaurant which I was nearing? Or I could go home and go out with roommates. Just outside the fancy restaurant I mentioned sat four youngsters. There was a quick glance from me at them, just to see that their attention were fixed on the woman who was coming from the direction I was walking to. She was round, chubby and wearing glasses. Talking to someone using the headset wired to her phone in her hand, she was sobbing. "Like her heart was broken" I never know what people mean by that. There was someone I knew who used to say that. But the way she was sobbing, I think that was the best way of describing her. While I passed her, there was a moment when I wanted to stop her, hold her by t...