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The Alternative

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"The thing is... The thing is..."

"What? What is the thing?"

She laughed because she caught my movie reference. She continues, "I always considered myself unloved. I wanted to say that no one have ever appreciated me. The problem is, it's mostly lie. And I've been lying to myself with that for almost my whole life. I didn't know I could do that, until someone I loved appeared in my dream (or a trance, maybe?)

She chuckled when she saw me smile. And continued in parentheses, "(The point is,) he shook me by the shoulder and yelled, 'Why are you so blind?' I started to realize that I've been lying to myself. But when I realized the reasons for doing that,...

"It's not because I don't need the world to love me. I'm needy in that respect. I'm just afraid of the people I love. I have a history of hurting people inadvertently. Somehow it makes me feel that I don't love them. And when I ponder over what I've done, I become convinced that I never loved them. I have never loved anyone. It would make me a hoarder, collecting whatever I get and hide it not wanting to do anything with it and not even sharing with anybody.

"I've been lying to myself for years because the  alternative was horrifying. That I am incapable of love."
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